Dot Calm's Shadow Presents: Crime Shows for Creationists!

Are you a creationist?

Don't you just hate how science changes its mind all the time?

Doesn't that just prove that science is useless and false? Only the Bible, which never changes*, is useful and true!

We good little creationists just hates TV crime shows!

Look at that silly Mr. McGarrett on Hawaii Five-O.
(Heck, Hawaii isn't even in America--it's in Africa. Kenya to be exact. But I digress.)

Mr. Steve McGarrett is supposed to be a detective.
He hears that a crime occurred.
He thinks up a provisional explanation.
Then he observes, asks questions, and collects data--changing his mind until he reaches the correct conclusion--and says, "Book 'im, Danno!"

Changing his mind?!
Well, isn't that just like an ickle scientist!

Mr. McGarrett even uses DNA evidence--he uses science...just like a scientist!

Well, if that doesn't chap your chops.
It sure chaps mine!

What if we got ourselves some good God-fearin' Creationist Crime Shows?

Boy howdy, wouldn't that be more realistic than some dumb science that disrespects God so much that it has to keep changing its mind?

Turn on your tee vees, boys and girls--time to watch our new favorite show: Ozarks Five-O!

I have the script for the pilot episode right here, so let's read along...

[Opening credits and theme music]

DANNO [rushing into STEVE's office]: Steve! They found a dead body on the beach this morning!

STEVE: Ah. The corpse belonged to one Mrs. Iva Peahead of 1212 Through and Through Lane, East Armpit, Iowa. It was found by Neenu and Noona Neener of Palalala'aki-Boo Point. At 86 years old, Mrs. Peahead was an eccentric old biddy just arrived here 9:25 yesterday morning on flight 512 for vacation. She was 5'2.5" and 97 pounds with sparse white hair, blue eyes with cataracts, liver spots, a missing lower left canine tooth, a titanium pin in her right elbow from a fall in her bathtub at 8:46 p.m. on April 26, 2012, and exactly twelve coarse dark hairs on the right side of her chin. Mr. Victor Immature murdered her for her fortune of $8,576,323.68, knowing that she had no family to miss her. You can pick him up at Lower, the bar at the corner of Ooga Booga Parkway and Wiki Wiki Highway. He's on his third gin and tonic and shouldn't give you very much trouble if you go get him now.

DANNO [evidently surprised]: Um, Steve...how did you know all that?

STEVE: The Bible. You should read it, Danno.

ANNOUNCER: Tune in next week for another exciting episode of Ozarks Five-O, when STEVE says, "We aren't supposed to investigate that crime because we are not supposed to know the answer. God works in mysterious ways"!

Need moar visual?
Then here's DarkMatter2525's take on the forensic use of science.

*Including when books were voted on or off the island and translated from Hebrew, Aramaic, Greek, etc. to middle and modern English. Nope--no changes there. Not a one, no siree-bob!

Dot Calm's Shadow Presents: Science for Creationists!

Hey, boys and girls!

Are you a creationist?
Do you love Jesus and hate science?
Do you love Jesus enough to hate science enough?

Then let's redefine science so that it doesn't conflict with the Bible!

Are you ready?
Let's begin!

As every Christian knows,
"Scientists make shit up."(TM)

Did your public school teach you that we live on a planet that is spherical, like a globe?

Well, scientists made that shit up!

The Bible says that the Earth is not spherical like a globe--it is flat, like a pancake (let's pretend that the mountains are chocolate chips in the pancake...mmmm, chocolate chip pancakes!)..."And after these things I saw four angels standing on the four corners of the earth, holding the four winds of the earth, that the wind should not blow on the earth, nor on the sea, nor on any tree." (Revelation 7:1) Every Sunday School child knows that spheres don't have corners! Therefore, as this and many other Bible verses clearly state, the earth is flat.

Did your public school teach you that outer space is vacuum and that space ships can fly through the sky to the moon and beyond?

Well, scientists made that shit up, too!

The Bible says that "outer space" isn't vacuum--it's water! "And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters. And God made the firmament and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so." (Genesis 1:6-7)

The Bible also says that the sky, or firmament, is hard. Heavens, it would have to be hard to separate the waters above from the waters below! God opens the windows of the firmament when it rains and closes them to make the rain stop (Genesis 7:11, 8:2). "Hast thou with him spread out the sky, which is strong, and as a molten looking glass?" (Job 37:18) "The firmament ... the terrible crystal, stretched forth over their heads above." (Ezekiel 1:22)

So, now we've proven that scientists can't be trusted.
Only the Bible can be trusted to tell us about science!

This means that we don't have to learn about the rest of the shit scientists made up, like electrons and atoms and germs and electricity and magnetism and force and gravity and, of course, DNA because DNA's properties pretty much prove evolution, just like the fossil record, ring species, kangaroos, comparative anatomy, and the rest of modern biology.

Yup--now you don't have to cherry-pick your science or your Bible. All you have to do is just totally rewrite one to suit the other.

Yay!

So, serious creationists that we are, we are now ready to rewrite all of science so that it doesn't forget about God any more. God needs us to defend and protect Him, you know!

Where should we start making science conform to God's word?

I've got an idea!

Did you learn about Ohm's Law in high school physics?

If so, then you may remember this:

Let's add a term so that we neither forget nor forsake God. Let's call it the God term:

Then, Ohm's law for creationists might look like this:

 

What are the implications of the God term?

Well, it means that Ohm's law works except when it doesn't.

The voltage V is the product of the current i and the resistance R except when God makes it something else--we have no idea what because God works in mysterious ways.

So, next time you turn on the light switch and your lamp comes on, thank God because the electrons and the filament in the lamp and the wires and the electric company and someone paying your utility bills had absolutely nothing to do with it!

Isn't this fun?

Of course, if you ever need to go back to doing real science, which describes the actual universe as an orderly place governed by consistent, observable natural laws, then just let God vanish:

Rewriting the rest of science for creationists is left as an exercise for creationists.

Sweden, Switzerland...it's all the same phuquen thing, man....

I wish I had a nickel for every time my Tea Party Christian friend confuses Sweden with Switzerland.

He doesn't know the difference between Stockholm or Bern, either.

He has claimed more than once that Sweden has a Texas-style gun culture. He meant Switzerland, but he's still wrong. They don't.

In fact, the Swiss bristle when Americans assume Switzerland has been annexed to Texas.

He claims that Bern, Switzerland, is the rape capital of the world. He meant Sweden. Turns out, that's not exactly true, either.

Sweden, Switzerland...
Stockholm, Bern...
Rape capital of the world, rape capital of Europe, maybe not rape capital of Europe, who knows...
ToMAYto, toMAHto...

Perhaps the education-eschewing Tea Partier thinks that all of Europe--or perhaps everything outside of the good ol' U.S. of A (Israel being an annex to the USA, of course)--is interchangeable. Perhaps he lumps the great unwashed, unchurched masses of Europe together into one godless, hell-bound heap--and good riddance. Perhaps he wishes to mark his disdain of All Things European. Then again, perhaps he'd be completely unperturbed if someone said of him that he loves living in tolerant, hippie California when he's really a liberal-hater from God-lovin', gun-totin' Texas. Perhaps a little thing like national identity means nothing to him except when it's his own national identity under discussion.

As Dot Calm, quoting Janis Joplin, would say, "It's all the same phuquen thing, man."

That said, here are my two cents...

It really is virtually impossible to compare rape statistics because it is virtually impossible to collect rape statistics. How would you know that any two entities--be they institutes of higher learning, towns, cities, nations, continents--collect and/or report statistics identically to one another? In other words, how do you know you're comparing apples to apples?

Even if it's true--as the right wingers claim--that Muslim men immigrate to Europe so they can rape European women, then the Muslims sure as hell aren't helping their own cause by attacking Sweden. Sure, they can cause a shit-ton of anguish, grief, trauma, and pain. Sure, they can ruin the lives of Swedish women and those who love them. But forcibly spreading their own seed to Muslimize Sweden as a target nation? Swedish women can get abortions on demand, as can most other European women (Ireland being a notable exception). So, if Muslimizing Sweden by rape is their goal, then they are wasting their time while really pissing the rest of us the hell off. They'd have a better time here in the good ol' U.S. of A., where the conservative Christians are working round the clock to deprive women of access not only to abortion but to birth control. I'm sure that all the forced-birthers in the Republican party would welcome all the new Muslim rape babies onto American soil with open arms.

And, if it is true that Muslims are trying to spread Islam by rape, then ponder this: these fundamentalists are willfully inflicting gross trauma and harm on innocent people all in the name of religion.

Dumbasses.

How many men would go through with rape if the punishment were to be handed over to Joni Ernst without anesthesia?

Happy Birthday, Gloria!

If Dot Calm were here, she would surely wish her sister Gloria a Very Happy Birthday today!
Woo Hoo!