Dot Calm's Shadow Presents: Crime Shows for Creationists!

Are you a creationist?

Don't you just hate how science changes its mind all the time?

Doesn't that just prove that science is useless and false? Only the Bible, which never changes*, is useful and true!

We good little creationists just hates TV crime shows!

Look at that silly Mr. McGarrett on Hawaii Five-O.
(Heck, Hawaii isn't even in America--it's in Africa. Kenya to be exact. But I digress.)

Mr. Steve McGarrett is supposed to be a detective.
He hears that a crime occurred.
He thinks up a provisional explanation.
Then he observes, asks questions, and collects data--changing his mind until he reaches the correct conclusion--and says, "Book 'im, Danno!"

Changing his mind?!
Well, isn't that just like an ickle scientist!

Mr. McGarrett even uses DNA evidence--he uses science...just like a scientist!

Well, if that doesn't chap your chops.
It sure chaps mine!

What if we got ourselves some good God-fearin' Creationist Crime Shows?

Boy howdy, wouldn't that be more realistic than some dumb science that disrespects God so much that it has to keep changing its mind?

Turn on your tee vees, boys and girls--time to watch our new favorite show: Ozarks Five-O!

I have the script for the pilot episode right here, so let's read along...

[Opening credits and theme music]

DANNO [rushing into STEVE's office]: Steve! They found a dead body on the beach this morning!

STEVE: Ah. The corpse belonged to one Mrs. Iva Peahead of 1212 Through and Through Lane, East Armpit, Iowa. It was found by Neenu and Noona Neener of Palalala'aki-Boo Point. At 86 years old, Mrs. Peahead was an eccentric old biddy just arrived here 9:25 yesterday morning on flight 512 for vacation. She was 5'2.5" and 97 pounds with sparse white hair, blue eyes with cataracts, liver spots, a missing lower left canine tooth, a titanium pin in her right elbow from a fall in her bathtub at 8:46 p.m. on April 26, 2012, and exactly twelve coarse dark hairs on the right side of her chin. Mr. Victor Immature murdered her for her fortune of $8,576,323.68, knowing that she had no family to miss her. You can pick him up at Lower, the bar at the corner of Ooga Booga Parkway and Wiki Wiki Highway. He's on his third gin and tonic and shouldn't give you very much trouble if you go get him now.

DANNO [evidently surprised]: Um, Steve...how did you know all that?

STEVE: The Bible. You should read it, Danno.

ANNOUNCER: Tune in next week for another exciting episode of Ozarks Five-O, when STEVE says, "We aren't supposed to investigate that crime because we are not supposed to know the answer. God works in mysterious ways"!

Need moar visual?
Then here's DarkMatter2525's take on the forensic use of science.

*Including when books were voted on or off the island and translated from Hebrew, Aramaic, Greek, etc. to middle and modern English. Nope--no changes there. Not a one, no siree-bob!