Are You a Bible Literalist? Take this Quiz and Find Out!

Why post a Bible literalist quiz?

My Tea Party friend likes to accuse me of attacking Christianity.

By "attack," he means "point out what the Bible actually says and what Christians actually do."

Apparently, he does not define Christianity as I do. I grew up defining Christianity as the belief that God came to earth as Jesus Christ, Father God's only begotten Son, and saved humanity from original sin and hell by dying on the cross.

Apparently, my Tea Party friend defines Christianity as the claim to believe the Bible literally as evidenced by uncritical, unconditional acceptance of institutionalized hypocrisy and abuse, especially child rape and molestation and wife abuse, preferably while living like royalty yourself. In other words, you can rape, abuse, and murder everyone in your path and blame them all for deserving it, or you can deny you ever did any of it, and Christians will never blame or condemn you as long as you call yourself a Christian. Bonus points for buying into the prosperity gospel, including blaming Blacks and the poor for the economic disasters inflicted on them by the rich and powerful. Extra bonus points for science denialism, including blaming natural disasters on homosexuality and abortion, which have no causal relationship with natural disasters. You can break every single one of God's commandments ten times a day and a hundred times on Tuesdays--you can make Hitler look like Pope Francis--and teach others to do likewise, but, if you believe, you still go to heaven. The worst that can happen is that you are least in heaven. It's all in the Bible, and my Tea Party friend and others like him believe in this brand of irrevocable, responsibility-free salvation with all their hearts.

Even so, I am not convinced that my friend really does believe the Bible literally. Biblical literalists define biblical literalism as believing that every word of the Bible is literally true spiritually, scientifically, and historically. The way my friend presents himself, the claim of biblical literalism is what matters--the fact that he doesn't believe what he says he believes is immaterial.

Did you know that, if you accept the 1969 NASA Apollo 11 moon landing as a factual historical event, as my Tea Party friend does, you cannot be a Bible literalist? (I'm defining a "fact" as an evidently true observation that can be verified or replicated by other observers. Contrast my definition with Christians' definition of a fact as being whatever they would like to be true. Similarly, I define "evidence" as objective data, or facts, that observers can collect and analyze in order to understand and explain reality. According to Christians, the word "evidence" is evidence, in and of itself: just speaking the word "evidence" evokes the magical charm of overwhelming, incontrovertible "proof" of whatever point they are trying to make. Now you know what everyone means when they use these words--yay you!)

And now...the Quiz!

Are you a Bible literalist?

Take this handy true-or-false quiz and find out!

Before we begin, please note the definition of an objective moral good: an act that is undeniably godly (moral) in all situations and circumstances according to all observers for all time--past, present, and future. An objective moral good is an act that can never be wrong or immoral in any context. This is important to understand because God is perfect. This means that God can never be wrong or immoral in any context. It also means that God never changes (Malachi 3:6, Hebrews 1:12, 13:8). Since God is perfect, His word and His law are also perfect, which means that His word and His law (Psalm 119:89, Isaiah 40:8) remain constant and unchanging throughout eternity. A perfect God can never change His mind.

Pick up your pencils, boys and girls--let's begin!

1. The earth is flat. It is supported by four pillars below and has four pillars above that support the sky.

2. The sky is hard, like crystal. The sun, moon, and stars are mounted in it.

3. The earth does not move except for earthquakes, which occur not due to plate tectonics but because God gets angry and shakes the earth. The sun and moon revolve around the earth.

4. Slavery is an objective moral good commanded by God Himself.

5. Sex trafficking is an objective moral good commanded by God Himself. In fact, you may sell your own daughter into sex slavery.

6. Women are the property of men.

7. Women are inferior to men, not the equals of men. Women are worth less than men.

8. A man may have sex with any assortment of wives, sex slaves, and virgin prisoners of war he desires as long as he can feed, clothe, shelter, and have sex with them all.

9. Rabbits are ruminants that chew the cud, not reingesters.

10. Bats are birds, not mammals.

11. Whales are fish, not mammals.

12. DNA as described by scientists does not exist.

13. Outer space is made of water, not vacuum.

14. The moon gives off its own light--it does not reflect the light of the sun.

15. Stars are not tremendous infernos of gas but tiny little lights that can fall from the sky to the earth, where you can crush them under foot.

16. Genocide is an objective moral good as long as God commands it.

17. Rape is not necessarily a punishable offense. In some cases, you can buy your victim from her father and marry her. If you do, you can never divorce her.

18. Two factually conflicting accounts of someone's birth can both be simultaneously true.

19. Two factually conflicting accounts of someone's death can both be simultaneously true.

20. Two factually conflicting accounts of someone's travels can both be simultaneously true.

21. Two conflicting lineages of the same individual can both be simultaneously true, even if the number of generations (which gives a rough estimate of the birth year) conflict.

22. The Bible is Jesus; therefore, we must worship the Bible.

23. It is objectively morally good to deprive someone of his free will to create an excuse to slaughter a multitude of his subjects.

24. Abortion is an objective moral good as long as the woman undergoing the abortion is brought by her husband to the priests under accusation of adultery. If she is pregnant by a man not her husband, God Himself will perform the abortion.

25. We are not commanded to have empathy, defined as treating others the way they wish to be treated.

26. Women are saved through childbirth, not belief in Jesus.

27. A perfect God can change His mind (repent).

Congratulations! You have completed the quiz.

"If the Bible had said that Jonah swallowed the whale, I would believe it."

 --William Jennings Bryan

Answer Key
If you answered every question "true," then congratulations: you are one of the few, the proud, the rare...a True Bible Literalist! You may now revel smarmily in your unreasonableness.

If you did not answer every question "true," have fun frying in hell for all eternity. “So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth.” (Revelation 3:16)

If you answered every question "false," then you are an atheist. Or scientist. Same difference. Consider donning sack cloth and ashes and falling prostrate on your face, begging Jesus for forgiveness before you die so you don't end up frying in hell for all eternity.

Biblical References by Question

Landover Baptist Church's forum offers a great deal of the background below, which I've paraphrased in some cases and expanded on in others. For example, check out the flat earth discussion, and be sure to click over to the experiments and prove that the earth is flat for yourself. I apologize for not referencing them explicitly along the way--I know, I know...hope I don't get struck by lightning.

1. The earth is flat. It is supported by four pillars below and has four pillars above that support the sky.

Jeremiah 16:19
O LORD, my strength, and my fortress, and my refuge in the day of affliction, the Gentiles shall come unto thee from the ends of the earth....

According to Jeremiah 16:19, the earth has ends. There is no way a spherical earth could have ends; therefore the earth must be flat. The Book of Revelation tells a similar story:

Revelation 7:1
And after these things I saw four angels standing on the four corners of the earth, holding the four winds of the earth, that the wind should not blow on the earth, nor on the sea, nor on any tree.

A spherical earth cannot have corners; it is impossible by definition. The only logical explanation is that the earth is flat.

Isaiah 40:41-22
Have ye not known? have ye not heard? hath it not been told you from the beginning? have ye not understood from the foundations of the earth?
It is he that sitteth upon the circle of the earth, and the inhabitants thereof are as grasshoppers; that stretcheth out the heavens as a curtain, and spreadeth them out as a tent to dwell in.

If God had meant "the sphere of the earth," He would have said so instead of using the word "circle."

Job 11:9
The measure thereof is longer than the earth, and broader than the sea.

Again, spheres are not characterized by length. Circles are.

Psalm 33:14-15
The LORD looketh from heaven; he beholdeth all the sons of men. From the place of his habitation he looketh upon all the inhabitants of the earth.

God can see the whole earth and all of its inhabitants from his seat in heaven because the earth is a flat disc. Remember, the disc of the earth becomes square whenever it is described as having corners.

Some people think that Psalm 74:17, which says, "Thou has set all the borders of the earth," implies a flat earth because spheres don't have borders and humans created the borders that define villages, nations, etc. I think it could just be a metaphor (assuming that metaphors are compatible with biblical literalism).

Isaiah 5:26
[God] ... will hiss unto them from the end of the earth.

Gosh! Isn't that a scary image--God hissing? Eek!! But, again, a sphere does not have an end. Discs and squares do.

Isaiah 11:12
And he shall set up an ensign for the nations, and shall assemble the outcasts of Israel, and gather together the dispersed of Judah from the four corners of the earth.

Isn't God wonderful? He can make square circles...or is that circular squares?

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The pillars of the earth hold up the flat earth; the pillars of the sky sit on the flat earth and hold up the hard firmament (sky).

Job 9:6-7
Which shaketh the earth out of her place, and the pillars thereof tremble.
Which commandeth the sun, and it riseth not; and sealeth up the stars.

(In Job 26:7, though, God "hangeth the earth upon nothing.")

Job 26:11
The pillars of heaven tremble and are astonished at his reproof.

Job 38:1-7
Then the LORD answered Job out of the whirlwind, and said,
...Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? declare, if thou hast understanding.
Who hath laid the measures thereof, if thou knowest? or who hath stretched the line upon it?
Whereupon are the foundations thereof fastened? or who laid the corner stone thereof ...?

1 Samuel 2:8
The pillars of the earth are the LORD's, and he hath set the world upon them.

Psalm 18:15
The foundations of the world were discovered ... at the blast of the breath of thy nostrils.

Psalm 75:3
I bear up the pillars of it.

Here's a nice article on the Biblical flat earth.

2. The sky is hard, like crystal. The sun, moon, and stars are mounted in it.

God created a solid firmament to separate the water in outer space from the water below the earth, which means that space travel is a hoax.

Genesis 1:6-7
And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.

And God made the firmament and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.

Genesis 1:17
And God set them [the stars] in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth.

God opens the windows of the firmament when it rains and closes them to make the rain stop (Genesis 7:11, 8:2).

Job 37:18
Hast thou with him spread out the sky, which is strong, and as a molten looking glass?

Ezekiel 1:22
The firmament ... the terrible crystal, stretched forth over their heads above.

3. The earth does not move except for earthquakes, which occur not due to plate tectonics but because God gets angry and shakes the earth. The sun and moon revolve around the earth.

Psalm 93:1
... the world also is stablished, that it cannot be moved.

Psalm 96:10
Say among the heathen that the LORD reigneth: the world also shall be established that it shall not be moved ...

Psalm 104:5
Who laid the foundations of the earth, that it should not be removed for ever.

Many Christians like to claim that Christianity is responsible for all scientific advancement. Tell that to Galileo, who nearly paid with his life for proving that the earth moves around the sun, not vice versa. He survived by recanting his discovery and was condemned to house arrest for life. The Catholic Church only "forgave" him recently: in 1992.

When God gets angry, He makes earthquakes:

Isaiah 24:18-20
The foundations of the earth do shake ... The earth shall reel to and fro like a drunkard.

Job 38:13
That [the dayspring] might take hold of the ends of the earth, that the wicked might be shaken out of it?

In other words, God can shake the wicked right off the (flat) earth!

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Psalms 19:4-6
The sun ... His going forth is from the end of the heaven, and his circuit unto the ends of it.

Ecclesiastes 1:5
The sun also ariseth.

Joshua 10:12-13
Then spake Joshua to the LORD in the day when the LORD delivered up the Amorites
before the children of Israel,
and he said in the sight of Israel, Sun, stand thou still upon Gibeon;
and thou, Moon, in the valley of Ajalon.
And the sun stood still, and the moon stayed, until the people had avenged themselves upon their enemies.
Is not this written in the book of Jasher?
So the sun stood still in the midst of heaven, and hasted not to go down about a whole day.

2 Kings 20:10-11
And Hezekiah answered, It is a light thing for the shadow to go down ten degrees:
nay, but let the shadow return backward ten degrees.
And Isaiah the prophet cried unto the LORD: and he brought the shadow ten degrees backward,
by which it had gone down in the dial of Ahaz.

4. Slavery is an objective moral good commanded by God Himself.

God even allows priests to buy slaves, so it must be the right thing to do.

Leviticus 22:11
But if the priest buy any soul with his money, he shall eat of it, and he that is born in his house: they shall eat of his meat.

As for everyone else, God clearly approves of buying and beating slaves as long as it is all done according to His instructions.

Exodus 21:1-36 excerpts
Now these are the rules that you shall set before them. When you buy a Hebrew slave, he shall serve six years, and in the seventh he shall go out free, for nothing. If he comes in single, he shall go out single; if he comes in married, then his wife shall go out with him. If his master gives him a wife and she bears him sons or daughters, the wife and her children shall be her master's, and he shall go out alone. But if the slave plainly says, "I love my master, my wife, and my children; I will not go out free," ...

Exodus 21:2
If thou buy an Hebrew servant....

Exodus 21:20-21
And if a man smite his servant, or his maid, with a rod, and he die under his hand; he shall be surely punished. Notwithstanding, if he continue a day or two, he shall not be punished: for he is his money.

Exodus 21:7
And if a man sell his daughter to be a maidservant, she shall not go out as the menservants do.

Exodus 22:3
If he have nothing, then he shall be sold for his theft.

Exodus 26:27
If a man strikes the eye of his male or female slave, and destroys it, he shall let him go free on account of his eye. 
And if he knocks out a tooth of his male or female slave, he shall let him go free on account of his tooth.

Leviticus 19:20
And whosoever lieth carnally with a woman, that is a bondmaid, betrothed to an husband, and not at all redeemed, nor freedom given her; she shall be scourged; they shall not be put to death, because she was not free.

Leviticus 25:39
And if thy brother that dwelleth by thee be waxen poor, and be sold unto thee....

Leviticus 25:44-46
As for your male and female slaves whom you may have: you may buy male and female slaves from among the nations that are around you. You may also buy from among the strangers who sojourn with you and their clans that are with you, who have been born in your land, and they may be your property. You may bequeath them to your sons after you to inherit as a possession forever. You may make slaves of them, but over your brothers the people of Israel you shall not rule, one over another ruthlessly.

Deuteronomy 15:12
And if thy brother, an Hebrew man, or an Hebrew woman be sold unto thee.... 

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The New Testament fails to condemn slavery. Both Jesus and Paul had opportunity to speak out against the practice of owning people, but neither did. In fact, both encouraged faithful service to the master.

Here is Paul's take on slavery:

Titus 2:9
Slaves are to be submissive to their own masters in everything; they are to be well-pleasing, not argumentative....

Ephesians 6:5
Servants, be obedient to them that are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in singleness of your heart, as unto Christ.

Colossians 3:22
Servants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh; not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but in singleness of heart, fearing God.

1 Timothy 6:1
Let as many servants as are under the yoke count their own masters worthy of all honour, that the name of God and his doctrine be not blasphemed.

Titus 2:9-10
Exhort servants to be obedient unto their own masters, and to please them well in all things; not answering again; Not purloining, but shewing all good fidelity; that they may adorn the doctrine of God our Saviour in all things.

1 Peter 2:18
Servants, be subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and gentle, but also to the froward.

Here, Jesus mentions slavery without at all condemning it:

Luke 12:46-47
The lord of that servant will come in a day when he looketh not for him, and at an hour when he is not aware, and will cut him in sunder, and will appoint him his portion with the unbelievers. And that servant, which knew his lord's will, and prepared not himself, neither did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes.

Luke 17:7-9
But which of you, having a servant plowing or feeding cattle, will say unto him by and by, when he is come from the field, Go and sit down to meat? And will not rather say unto him, Make ready wherewith I may sup, and gird thyself, and serve me, till I have eaten and drunken; and afterward thou shalt eat and drink? Doth he thank that servant because he did the things that were commanded him? I trow not.

Perhaps they saw nothing wrong with men owning other people because God owns all people as His livestock (sheep), and man was created in God's image and likeness after all....

5. Sex trafficking is an objective moral good commanded by God Himself. In fact, you may sell your own daughter into sex slavery.

Exodus 21:7
And if a man sell his daughter to be a maidservant, she shall not go out as the menservants do.

"Maidservant" is a euphemism for "sex slave":

Leviticus 19:20
And whosoever lieth carnally with a woman, that is a bondmaid, betrothed to an husband, and not at all redeemed, nor freedom given her; she shall be scourged; they shall not be put to death, because she was not free.

Once you sell your daughter, she is a sex slave for life. Read together, the passages regarding men buying female slaves refer to the men "betrothing" the women to themselves, taking them "to wife"; similarly, they speak of what to do when the female sex slave you buy fails to "please" you. Thus, these women, also known as concubines, are sex slaves--a class below the "free" women men buy from those women's fathers as wives in the Bible. And God clearly approves buying and selling female sex slaves because He gives instructions on how to do it.

6. Women are the property of men.

You can't give or sell something that you do not own.

Exodus 21:7:
And if a man sell his daughter to be a maidservant, she shall not go out as the menservants do.

In other words, once you sell your daughter into slavery, she is a slave for life. She is not freed on the seventh year as a male Hebrew slave is.

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Daughters are the property of their fathers.

According to Genesis 24:50-51, Rebekah's brother and father agreed to give her to the slave's master's son, since God ordained the marriage:

Genesis 24:50-51
Then Laban and Bethuel answered and said, The thing proceedeth from the LORD: we cannot speak unto thee bad or good. 
Behold, Rebekah is before thee, take her, and go, and let her be thy master's son's wife, as the LORD hath spoken.

(In Genesis 24:64, "And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the camel," I don't think God means that she was having a cigarette. But I digress.)

Genesis 29:20-21
And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her.
And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her.

For those new to Biblespeak, "go in unto" refers to sexual intercourse.

In marriage, it is the daughter that is sold or given away by one man to another. Not sons, who are full persons.

Deuteronomy 7:3
Neither shalt thou make marriages with them; thy daughter thou shalt not give unto his son, nor his daughter shalt thou take unto thy son.

Hosea 3:1-3
Then said the LORD unto me, Go yet, love a woman beloved of her friend, yet an adulteress, according to the love of the LORD toward the children of Israel, who look to other gods, and love flagons of wine.
So I bought her to me for fifteen pieces of silver, and for an homer of barley, and an half homer of barley:
And I said unto her, Thou shalt abide for me many days; thou shalt not play the harlot, and thou shalt not be for another man: so will I also be for thee.

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It is a man's right to give a woman he owns for the purpose of raping her:

Genesis 19:6-8
And Lot went out at the door unto them, and shut the door after him,
And said, I pray you, brethren, do not so wickedly.
Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof.

Lot was a righteous man (2 Peter 2:7-8), so he would not have offered up his two comely virgin daughters for the mob to rape if it hadn't ben his right to do so.

Judges 19:22-25
Now as they were making their hearts merry, behold, the men of the city, certain sons of Belial, beset the house round about, and beat at the door, and spake to the master of the house, the old man, saying, Bring forth the man that came into thine house, that we may know him.
And the man, the master of the house, went out unto them, and said unto them, Nay, my brethren, nay, I pray you, do not so wickedly; seeing that this man is come into mine house, do not this folly.
Behold, here is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you: but unto this man do not so vile a thing.
But the men would not hearken to him: so the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them; and they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning: and when the day began to spring, they let her go.

Biblespeak Lesson #2: "know" refers to carnal knowledge, meaning to have sex with--in this case, forcibly. Similarly, "to humble" also means "to have sex with"--frequently referring to rape because, let's face it, the women didn't exactly have a choice.

Spoiler: the concubine is sexually assaulted so severely that, after the men finish with her, she is barely able to crawl back to her owner's doorstep, where she dies. He cuts her up into twelve pieces and sends them off Godfather-style as a message to the offenders. Isn't Judges 19 a lovely story to tell the kiddies at Sunday School?

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Wives are the property of their husbands

Exodus 20:17
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's.

Deuteronomy 5:21
Neither shalt thou desire thy neighbour's wife, neither shalt thou covet thy neighbour's house, his field, or his manservant, or his maidservant, his ox, or his ass, or any thing that is thy neighbour's.

Leviticus 18:8
The nakedness of thy father's wife shalt thou not uncover: it is thy father's nakedness.

Leviticus 18:16
Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy brother's wife: it is thy brother's nakedness.

Leviticus 20:20-21
And if a man shall lie with his uncle's wife, he hath uncovered his uncle's nakedness: they shall bear their sin; they shall die childless.
And if a man shall take his brother's wife, it is an unclean thing: he hath uncovered his brother's nakedness; they shall be childless.

Deuteronomy 27:20
Cursed be he that lieth with his father's wife; because he uncovereth his father's skirt. And all the people shall say, Amen.

In other words, by having intercourse with your male relative's wife, you are damaging his property. Her nakedness--her body--belongs not to the woman but to her husband.

Judges 21:19-23
Then they said, Behold, there is a feast of the LORD in Shiloh yearly in a place which is on the north side of Bethel, on the east side of the highway that goeth up from Bethel to Shechem, and on the south of Lebonah.
Therefore they commanded the children of Benjamin, saying, Go and lie in wait in the vineyards;
And see, and, behold, if the daughters of Shiloh come out to dance in dances, then come ye out of the vineyards, and catch you every man his wife of the daughters of Shiloh, and go to the land of Benjamin.
And it shall be, when their fathers or their brethren come unto us to complain, that we will say unto them, Be favourable unto them for our sakes: because we reserved not to each man his wife in the war: for ye did not give unto them at this time, that ye should be guilty.
And the children of Benjamin did so, and took them wives, according to their number, of them that danced, whom they caught: and they went and returned unto their inheritance, and repaired the cities, and dwelt in them.

Notice that the opinions of the captured females are not sought; only with their male owners will the male captors negotiate.

2 Samuel 12:7-8
And Nathan said to David, Thou art the man. Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, I anointed thee king over Israel, and I delivered thee out of the hand of Saul;
And I gave thee thy master's house, and thy master's wives into thy bosom, and gave thee the house of Israel and of Judah; and if that had been too little, I would moreover have given unto thee such and such things.

God gives sinful men's women to others, as He does with their other belongings:

Jeremiah 6:12
And their houses shall be turned unto others, with their fields and wives together: for I will stretch out my hand upon the inhabitants of the land, saith the LORD.

Jeremiah 8:10
Therefore will I give their wives unto others, and their fields to them that shall inherit them: for every one from the least even unto the greatest is given to covetousness, from the prophet even unto the priest every one dealeth falsely.

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Even female animals are the property of their respective males:

Genesis 7:2
The male and his female ...

7. Women are inferior to men, not the equals of men. Women are worth less than men.

Woman was made for man...apparently, as an afterthought. She is a helper, meet (appropriate) for him.

Genesis 2:15,18,21-22
And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.
…
And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
…
And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.

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Woman caused the downfall of humanity, so God punishes all women and makes sure they know their place in the Holy Pecking Order.

Genesis 3:16
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

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God thinks that females are twice as dirty as males, so He requires mothers of girls to be isolated after birth for twice as long as if they'd birthed sons.

Leviticus 12:2,5
Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days; according to the days of the separation for her infirmity shall she be unclean.
But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks, as in her separation: and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days.

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Women cannot be trusted to think for themselves.

Ephesians 5:22-24
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

Colossians 3:18
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.

1 Timothy 2:12
I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet.

1 Corinthians 11:6-9
For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn: but if it be a shame for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered.
For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man.
For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man.
Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.

In other words, Muslims, not Christians, have it right--to obey God, who speaks through Paul, women must cover their heads. Paul speaks of women covering their heads "for the sake of the angels." That sounds all sweet and lofty-like until you realize the Old Testament connection: angels found human women desirable and came down to mate with them, spawning a race of supermen-giants (the first batch of whom were drowned in Noah's flood but who resurged afterward--which means that the flood was ineffective, since we still have evil). Paul wants women to cover themselves so that the angels don't come down to copulate with them! In this country of bare-headed women, I am shocked--shocked, I tell you--that we are not inundated by angel-spawned giants.

1 Peter 3:1-7
Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,
when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes.
Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.
For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands,
like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

---
Women are worth less money than men (50-60%).

Leviticus 27:3-7
And thy estimation shall be of the male from twenty years old even unto sixty years old, even thy estimation shall be fifty shekels of silver, after the shekel of the sanctuary. 
And if it be a female, then thy estimation shall be thirty shekels. 
And if it be from five years old even unto twenty years old, then thy estimation shall be of the male twenty shekels, and for the female ten shekels. 
And if it be from a month old even unto five years old, then thy estimation shall be of the male five shekels of silver, and for the female thy estimation shall be three shekels of silver. 
And if it be from sixty years old and above; if it be a male, then thy estimation shall be fifteen shekels, and for the female ten shekels.

Here's a handy chart:

1 month-5 years old: males = 5 shekels, females = 3 shekels.
5-20 years old: males = 20 shekels, females = 10 shekels.
20-60 years old: males = 50 shekels, females = 30 shekels.
Over 60 years old: males = 15 shekels, females = 10 shekels.

Two interesting points:

Fetuses, which the Bible considers to be part of the mother's genitals ("thigh" is a euphemism) are not priceless...they are worthless. So are babies less than one month old.

God does not seem to keep pace with inflation, since these prices are fixed for all time. How much is a shekel? According to http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/673063/jewish/Whats-the-value-of-the-biblical-half-shekel.htm, the quantities in which I cleverly doubled, a shekel equates to 320 grains of barley, which is roughly 16 grams of silver. As the website states, the price of silver in biblical times is unknown, but 16 grams of silver cost about $10 as of that web page's writing.

That gives

1 month-5 years old: males = $50, females = $30.
5-20 years old: males = $200, females = $100.
20-60 years old: males = $500, females = $300.
Over 60 years old: males = $150, females = $100.

Don't tell the insurance companies that this is all people are worth!

8. A man may have sex with any assortment of wives, sex slaves, and virgin prisoners of war he desires as long as he can feed, clothe, shelter, and have sex with them all.

As seen in the following passages, God is perfectly content with men having multiple wives and sex slaves (the definition of concubine) since He fails to say otherwise:

Genesis 4:19
And Lamech took unto him two wives.

Genesis 16:1-4
Now Sarai Abram's wife bare him no children: and she had an handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar. And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the LORD hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai. And Sarai ... gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife. And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived.

Genesis 25:6
But unto the sons of the concubines, which Abraham had....

Genesis 26:34
Esau ... took to wife Judith the daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Bashemath the daughter of Elon the Hittite.

Genesis 31:17 Then Jacob rose up, and set ... his wives upon camels.

Deuteronomy 21:15
If a man have two wives, one beloved, and another hated....

Judges 8:30
And Gideon had threescore and ten sons of his body begotten: for he had many wives.

1 Samuel 1:1-2
Elkanah ... had two wives; the name of the one was Hannah, and the name of the other Peninnah.

2 Samuel 12:7-8
Thus saith the LORD God of Israel ... I gave thee ... thy master's wives....

1 Kings 11:2-3
Solomon ... had seven hundred wives ... and three hundred concubines.

1 Chronicles 4:5
And Ashur the father of Tekoa had two wives, Helah and Naarah.

2 Chronicles 11:21
Rehoboam ... took eighteen wives, and threescore concubines.

2 Chronicles 13:21
But Abijah waxed mighty, and married fourteen wives....

2 Chronicles 24:3
Jehoiada took for him two wives....

Mt.25:1
Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom.

---
Deuteronomy 21:11-14
When thou goest forth to war against thine enemies, and the LORD thy God hath delivered them into thine hands, and thou hast taken them captive,
And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her, that thou wouldest have her to thy wife;
Then thou shalt bring her home to thine house, and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails;
And she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in thine house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month: and after that thou shalt go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be thy wife.
And it shall be, if thou have no delight in her, then thou shalt let her go whither she will; but thou shalt not sell her at all for money, thou shalt not make merchandise of her, because thou hast humbled her.

Judges 21:10-14
And the congregation sent thither twelve thousand men of the valiantest, and commanded them, saying, Go and smite the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead with the edge of the sword, with the women and the children.
And this is the thing that ye shall do, Ye shall utterly destroy every male, and every woman that hath lain by man.
And they found among the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead four hundred young virgins, that had known no man by lying with any male: and they brought them unto the camp to Shiloh, which is in the land of Canaan.
And the whole congregation sent some to speak to the children of Benjamin that were in the rock Rimmon, and to call peaceably unto them.
And Benjamin came again at that time; and they gave them wives which they had saved alive of the women of Jabeshgilead: and yet so they sufficed them not.

---
Exodus 21:10
If he take him another wife, her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish.

9. Rabbits are ruminants that chew the cud, not reingesters.

Leviticus 11:16
The rabbit, though it chews the cud, does not have a divided hoof; it is unclean for you.

God created rabbits, and He created the Bible, which is His perfect Word. He knows what He is talking about, and He knows how to say what He means. If God had meant that rabbits reingest their food (a process known as refection), He would have said so. It is not for humans to contradict God! Nor is it appropriate to manipulate God's Word by attempting to interpret it. Do that, and there will be one interpretation of the Bible for every person who reads it. All you can do is accept it--or not, if you dare. Therefore, you must discard science and observation, which show that the rabbit is neither a ruminant nor chews cud. Just keep repeating "rabbits chew the cud" until you believe it.

10. Bats are birds, not mammals.

Leviticus 11:13-19
And these are they which ye shall have in abomination among the fowls ; they shall not be eaten, they are an abomination: the eagle, and the ossifrage, and the ospray, 
And the vulture, and the kite after his kind; 
Every raven after his kind; 
And the owl, and the night hawk, and the cuckow, and the hawk after his kind, 
And the little owl, and the cormorant, and the great owl,  
And the swan, and the pelican, and the gier eagle, 
And the stork, the heron after her kind, and the lapwing, and the bat. 

Did you know that some birds have four legs?

Leviticus 11:20
All fowls that creep, going upon all four, shall be an abomination unto you.

Interesting that no one has ever reported seeing any. But we do know that the God who created birds must know how many legs they have.

God also made four-legged insects and hid them from our observation, too.

Leviticus 11:21
Yet these may ye eat of every flying creeping thing that goeth upon all four, which have legs above their feet.

Ah, yes, they have legs above their feet...and feet down below their knees.

Ignore the little man behind the curtain saying that bats are mammals and birds are dinosaurs.

11. Whales are fish, not mammals.

Jonah 1:17
Now the LORD had prepared a great fish to swallow up Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.

Matthew 12:40
For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale's belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth.

As biblical literalists are fond of saying, the Bible contains no contradictions; therefore, the whale must be a fish and not a mammal.

And despite the fact that very few whales can swallow anything larger than a grapefruit, one was able to swallow a man whole, turn off its stomach juices so as not to digest him, and magically provide him with fresh air to breathe in that closed space (assuming he ate the sushi provided to him by his host and was able to survive without water until the whale fish regurgitated him). Sounds legit.

Here are some interesting whale facts.

12. DNA as described by scientists does not exist.

God created all the animals on Day 6. Therefore, it is impossible for new species to develop by natural means (i.e., by evolution). Since DNA is one of many verifying factors of evolutionary, DNA cannot exist if evolution does not happen. So, forget about things like drug-resistant microbes or ring species, since they cannot exist.

Genesis 1:24-25
Then God said, "Let the earth bring forth living creatures after their kind: cattle and creeping things and beasts of the earth after their kind"; and it was so.
God made the beasts of the earth after their kind, and the cattle after their kind, and everything that creeps on the ground after its kind; and God saw that it was good.…

God created Eve out of Adam's rib. If DNA existed, then Eve would have had Adam's male DNA--she would have been Adam's clone, meaning that God had created Adam and Steve, not Adam and Eve. There would have been no way for them to reproduce, given the modern understanding of DNA. For example, males cannot reproduce together sexually. Forget about mitochondrial Eve, Y-chromosomal Adam, and evidence of common descent. In fact, just throw out all of science, as Paul sagely advises, and be glad you don't just float off the planet's surface from time to time because gravity is only a theory with less evidence behind it than evolution.

Genesis 2:18-22
And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them.... And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. 

This means that Eve is some kind of weirdly feminized identical twin of Adam, since she has his DNA! She is XY, just like Adam, not XX. Either that, or God's first woman was a chimera. I wonder how that interesting little factoid played into all the incest genetics, such as what created Cain's unnamed wife (i.e., one of his sisters, since it wasn't Eve).

Genesis 30:37-39
Jacob, however, took fresh-cut branches from poplar, almond, and plane trees and made white stripes on them by peeling the bark and exposing the white inner wood of the branches. Then he placed the peeled branches in all the watering troughs, so that they would be directly in front of the flocks when they came to drink. When the flocks were in heat and came to drink, they mated in front of the branches. And they bore young that were streaked or speckled or spotted.

God could have but did NOT write that “Jacob, however, selectively bred the strongest streaked, speckled, and spotted goats so that, by virtue of the heritable traits carried in their DNA, they produced more streaked, speckled, and spotted goats.” No--it is necessary to provide striped scenery during mating for animals to develop streaks, spots, or speckles. God would not have made such a point of describing this step in the breeding process if it were not critical. And God could have but did not mention heritable traits or DNA.

Therefore, DNA as described by scientists cannot exist.

---
Interestingly, in Genesis 1, God creates man after all the other animals; then, in Genesis 2, He creates Adam, all the other animals, and then Eve. Of course, there is no contradiction between the two accounts. They are identical.

Genesis 1:25-27
And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good. And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

(What do you mean "we," Kemosabe?)

Genesis 2:18-19
And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. 

13. Outer space is made of water, not vacuum.

Genesis 1:6-7
And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.

And God made the firmament and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.

God opens the windows of the firmament when it rains and closes them to make the rain stop (Genesis 7:11, 8:2).

14. The moon gives off its own light--it does not reflect the light of the sun.

Genesis 1:16
And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.

This means that the moon is a light on its own, independent of the sun. Otherwise, God would have said so. QED.

15. Stars are not tremendous infernos of gas but tiny little lights that can fall from the sky to the earth, where you can crush them under foot.

Daniel 8:10
And it waxed great, even to the host of heaven; and it cast down some of the host and of the stars to the ground, and stamped upon them.

Matthew 24:29
Immediately after the tribulation of those days shall the sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken...

Revelation 6:13-16
...the stars in the sky fell to the earth, like figs shaken down by a gale; the sky vanished, as a scroll is rolled up...they called out to the mountains and the crags, “Fall on us and hide us from the face of the One who sits on the throne...

16. Genocide is an objective moral good as long as God commands it.

Here's a sampling of what the Bible says about genocide as commanded by God. When God says to wipe out every living thing in sight, it's all good, right? RIGHT?!??

Deuteronomy 2:34
And we took all his cities at that time, and utterly destroyed the men, and the women, and the little ones, of every city, we left none to remain. 

Deuteronomy 3:6
And we utterly destroyed them, ... utterly destroying the men, women, and children, of every city. 

Deuteronomy 7:2
And when the LORD thy God shall deliver them before thee; thou shalt smite them, and utterly destroy them; thou shalt make no covenant with them, nor shew mercy unto them. 

Deuteronomy 7:16
And thou shalt consume all the people which the LORD thy God shall deliver thee; thine eye shall have no pity upon them. 

Deuteronomy 13:15
Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city with the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword. 

Deuteronomy 20:16-17
But of the cities of these people, which the LORD thy God doth give thee for an inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth. 

Joshua 6:21
And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword. 

Joshua 10:40
So smote all the country ... he left none remaining, but utterly destroyed all that breathed, as the LORD God of Israel commanded. 

1 Samuel 15:2-3
Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass.

God sure loves killing. God personally killed over 200,000 people; combined with the number of people He told His followers to kill, He is responsible for over 2 million deaths. There is an interesting tally of it all here.

17. Rape is not necessarily evil or a crime. In some cases, you can buy your victim from her father and marry her. If you do, you can never divorce her.

Deuteronomy 22:28-29
If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found;
Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days.

Let's be clear here: not the girl but her father is the real victim here: he can't sell damaged goods, so he loses an opportunity to earn money by marrying off his daughter to his advantage. So, the offender is required to recompense the father for the property damage: fifty shekels (roughly $500 USD in today's currency). God must think that female humans are bereft of feelings.

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Of course, there is no punishment or fee to rape women captured as prisoners of war, as God commands:

Numbers 31:15-18
And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive? ... Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.

Deuteronomy 21:11-14
When thou goest forth to war against thine enemies, and the LORD thy God hath delivered them into thine hands, and thou hast taken them captive,
And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her, that thou wouldest have her to thy wife;
Then thou shalt bring her home to thine house, and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails;
And she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in thine house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month: and after that thou shalt go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be thy wife.
And it shall be, if thou have no delight in her, then thou shalt let her go whither she will; but thou shalt not sell her at all for money, thou shalt not make merchandise of her, because thou hast humbled her.

18. Two factually conflicting accounts of someone's birth can both be simultaneously true.

There are several non-contradictions regarding Jesus' life.

Did you know that Jesus was born both before 4 BCE and after 6 CE?

Before 4 BCE:
Jesus was born during the reign of Herod the Great, who died in 4 BCE.

Matthew 2:1
Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judaea in the days of Herod the king.

Luke 1:5-31
There was in the days of Herod, the king of Judaea, a certain priest named Zacharias, of the course of Abia: and his wife was of the daughters of Aaron, and her name was Elisabeth. ... After those days his wife Elisabeth conceived. ... And in the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God unto a city of Galilee, named Nazareth, To a virgin espoused to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David; and the virgin's name was Mary. And the angel came in unto her, and said ... thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and shalt call his name JESUS. 

After 6 CE:
Quirinius (Cyrenius) became governer of Syria in 6 CE, nine years after king Herod's death.

Luke 2:1-4
And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed. (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.) ... Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, in Judea ... To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child. 

See? All Biblical accounts of when Jesus was born agree--even Luke's account, which contradicts itself! All you have to do is tell yourself so.

Here's another pair of identical accounts: according to Luke, Mary and Joseph lived in Nazareth and traveled to Bethlehem for the census, which agrees perfectly with Matthew's account that they lived in a house in Bethlehem, traveled to Egypt, and then moved to Nazareth.

Luke 2:1-7
And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed. And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city. And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:) To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child. And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

Matthew 2:1-11
Jesus was born in a house in Bethlehem, where he was visited by the wise men from the east.
Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judaea in the days of Herod the king, behold, there came wise men from the east to Jerusalem, Saying, Where is he that is born King of the Jews? ... And they said unto him, in Bethlehem of Judaea .... And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him.

Matthew 2:13-15
An angel appeared to Joseph in a dream, telling him to take Mary and Jesus to Egypt.
The angel of the Lord appeareth to Joseph in a dream, saying, Arise, and take the young child and his mother, and flee into Egypt, and ... he took the young child and his mother by night, and departed into Egypt: And was there until the death of Herod.

Matthew 2:13-15
They stayed in Egypt until an angel told Joseph in a dream to return to Israel.
When Herod was dead, behold, an angel of the Lord appeareth in a dream to Joseph in Egypt, Saying, Arise, and take the young child and his mother, and go into the land of Israel ... And he arose, and took the young child and his mother, and came into the land of Israel. 

Matthew 2:22-23
So they returned to Israel, where Joseph was told by an angel in a dream to go to Nazareth.
But when he heard that Archelaus did reign in Judaea in the room of his father Herod, he was afraid to go thither: notwithstanding, being warned of God in a dream, he turned aside into the parts of Galilee: And he came and dwelt in a city called Nazareth.

19. Two factually conflicting accounts of someone's death can both be simultaneously true.

Jesus received his beating both before and after Pontius Pilate ordered him crucified.

Before:
John 19:2-3, 16
And the soldiers platted a crown of thorns, and put it on his head, and they put on him a purple robe, And said, Hail, King of the Jews! and they smote him with their hands.
 ...
 Then delivered he him therefore unto them to be crucified. And they took Jesus, and led him away.

After:
Matthew 27:26
Then released he Barabbas unto them: and when he had scourged Jesus, he delivered him to be crucified.

Mark 15:15
And so Pilate, willing to content the people, released Barabbas unto them, and delivered Jesus, when he had scourged him, to be crucified.

Similarly, Jesus was crucified both after noon on the day before the Passover meal and mid-morning on he day after the Passover meal:

John 18:28
Then led they Jesus from Caiaphas unto the hall of judgment: and it was early; and they themselves went not into the judgment hall, lest they should be defiled; but that they might eat the passover.

John 19:14-16
And it was the preparation of the passover, and about the sixth hour: and he saith unto the Jews, Behold your King! But they cried out, Away with him, away with him, crucify him. Pilate saith unto them, Shall I crucify your King? The chief priests answered, We have no king but Caesar. Then delivered he him therefore unto them to be crucified.

Mark 14:12
And the first day of unleavened bread, when they killed the passover, his disciples said unto him, Where wilt thou that we go and prepare that thou mayest eat the passover? 

Mark 15:25
And it was the third hour, and they crucified him. 

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Judas died two deaths: he died by hanging himself, and he died by falling down so violently that his guts fell out, and he died.

Matthew 27:5
And he [Judas] cast down the pieces of silver in the temple, and departed, and went and hanged himself.

Acts 1:18
Now this man [Judas] purchased a field with the reward of iniquity; and falling headlong, he burst asunder in the midst, and all his bowels gushed out.

---
As an exercise for the reader interested in more identical, non-conflicting accounts around Jesus' death and resurrection, go look up all the stories mentioning Jesus appearing to the eleven or twelve after His death. In all such accounts, Judas is already dead (from both hanging himself and from having his guts gush out from a fall in the Field of Blood, which was purchased both by Judas and by the priests for the same thirty pieces of silver, which Judas both returned to the priests and then bought the field with himself)--but Jesus still appears to the twelve! What's interesting is that, when Jesus appears to the eleven, it's not Judas who's missing--it's Doubting Thomas. Apparently, Jesus isn't the only one who resurrected.

20. Two factually conflicting accounts of someone's travels can both be simultaneously true.

Luke and Paul give different accounts of Paul's travels, but, of course, the accounts are identical.

Luke sends Paul to Jerusalem instead of Arabia after Damascus:

Acts 9:1-9 (after Saul, who became Paul, converts on the Damascus road)
And the men who journeyed with him stood speechless, hearing a voice but seeing no one.
Then Saul arose from the ground, and when his eyes were opened he saw no one. But they led him by the hand and brought him into Damascus.
And he was three days without sight, and neither ate nor drank.

Acts 9:21
Then all who heard were amazed, and said, “Is this not he who destroyed those who called on this name in Jerusalem, and has come here for that purpose, so that he might bring them bound to the chief priests?”

Acts 9:26
And when Saul was come to Jerusalem, he assayed to join himself to the disciples: but they were all afraid of him, and believed not that he was a disciple.

However, in perfect agreement with Luke's account, Paul denies ever going to Jerusalem after Damascus:

Galatians 1:17
I did not go up to Jerusalem to see those who were apostles before I was, but I went into Arabia. Later I returned to Damascus.

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Non-conflicting consistencies appear throughout the Bible. For example, consider this account of the travels of Abram, who was later renamed Abraham.

Abram [Abraham] was seventy and five years old when he departed out of Haran, according to Genesis 12:4:

So Abram departed, as the LORD had spoken unto him; and Lot went with him: and Abram was seventy and five years old when he departed out of Haran.

He was also at least 135 years old when he left Haran:

Genesis 11:26-32
Abraham's father, Terah, was 70 years old when Abram was born.
And Terah lived seventy years, and begat Abram [Abraham].
Abraham didn't leave Haran until after Terah died.

Acts 7:2-4
Our father Abraham ... dwelt in Haran: and from thence, when his father was dead, he removed himself into this land. 

Terah lived to be 205, according to Genesis 11:32.
And the days of Terah were two hundred and five years; and Terah died in Haran.

Thus, Abraham was at least 135 years old when he left Haran.

Of course, there is no contradiction between Abram (Abraham) being both "only" 75 and at least 135 when he left Haran. Just keep repeating "75 = 135" until you believe it.

21. Two conflicting lineages of the same individual can both be simultaneously true, even if the number of generations (which gives a rough estimate of the birth year) conflict.

From Skeptics Annotated Bible:

Matthew 1:1-17 opens with "the book of the generation of Jesus Christ." The gospel of Matthew begins with a boring genealogy like that we are told to avoid in 1 Timothy 1:4 ("Neither give heed to fables and endless genealogies") and Titus 3:9 ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies").

Although the genealogy is purportedly Jesus' ("The book of the generation of Jesus Christ"), it is actually that of Joseph, since the last begat is "Jacob begat Joseph, the husband of Mary." This is strange since its purpose (if it has a purpose) is to show that Jesus is a descendant of David, and therefore meets one of the qualifications of being the Messiah (2 Samuel 7:12-13). But if God got Mary pregnant (v.25, Luke 1:35), Jesus isn't David's "seed" and didn't "procede out of his bowels."

Matthew 1:17
So all the generations from Abraham to David are fourteen generations; and from David until the carrying away into Babylon are fourteen generations; and from the carrying away into Babylon unto Christ are fourteen generations.

Consider Matthew 1:6-16: "David the king begat Solomon." There are 28 generations listed from David to Jesus in Matthew's genealogy, while Luke's (3:23-31) has 43. Except for David at one end and Jesus at the other, only three names in the two lists are the same.

It is also interesting to note that Joseph's father is both Jaboc and Heli:

Matthew 1:16
And Jacob begat Joseph the husband of Mary, of whom was born Jesus, who is called Christ. 

Luke 3:23
And Jesus himself began to be about thirty years of age, being (as was supposed) the son of Joseph, which was the son of Heli.

Perhaps this is why, in 1 Timothy 4 and Titus 3:9, Paul instructs us "[not to] pay attention to myths and endless genealogies."

22. The Bible is Jesus; therefore, we must worship the Bible.

John 1:1
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

Jesus is the Word of God; the Bible is the Word of God; therefore, the Bible = Jesus. Since the Bible demands that we worship God, and since Jesus is God, we must worship Jesus. And since the Bible is Jesus, we must worship the Bible. QED.

23. It is objectively morally good to deprive someone of his free will to create an excuse to slaughter a multitude of his subjects.

In Exodus 7:3, God says, "But I will harden Pharaoh's heart that I may multiply My signs and My wonders in the land of Egypt...." If He had not hardened Pharaoh's heart, Pharaoh would have (he was on the verge after all those miserable plagues) let the Israelites go without giving God an excuse to strike dead every first-born male, including the sons of the Egyptian slave girls. In God's eyes, the slave girls and their first-born sons were as responsible as Pharaoh for enslaving the Israelites, so they deserved their punishment.

Despite what Christians say, God isn't big on free will.

24. Abortion is an objective moral good as long as the woman undergoing the abortion is brought by her husband to the priests under accusation of adultery. If she is pregnant by a man not her husband, God Himself will perform the abortion.

Abortion is not murder. A fetus is not considered a human life.

Exodus 21:22-23
If men strive, and hurt a woman with child, so that her fruit depart from her, and yet no mischief follow: he shall be surely punished, according as the woman's husband will lay upon him; and he shall pay as the judges determine. And if any mischief follow, then thou shalt give life for life.

The Bible places no value on fetuses or infants less than one month old.

Leviticus 27:6
And if it be from a month old even unto five years old, then thy estimation shall be of the male five shekels of silver, and for the female thy estimation shall be three shekels of silver.

Fetuses and infants less than one month old are not considered persons.

Numbers 3:15-16
Number the children of Levi after the house of their fathers, by their families: every male from a month old and upward shalt thou number them. And Moses numbered them according to the word of the LORD.

God approves of killing fetuses under His orders.

Numbers 31:15-17
And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive? ... Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him.

(Some of the non-virgin women must have been pregnant. They would have been killed along with their unborn fetuses.)

Hosea 9:14
Give them, O LORD: what wilt thou give? give them a miscarrying womb and dry breasts.

Hosea 9:16
Yea, though they bring forth, yet will I slay even the beloved fruit of their womb.

Hosea 13:16
Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up.

God sometimes kills newborn babies to punish their parents.

2 Samuel 12:14
Because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also that is born unto thee shall surely die.

God performs abortions Himself to curse unfaithful wives.

Numbers 5:21-21, 27-28
The priest shall say unto the woman, The LORD make thee a curse and an oath among thy people, when the LORD doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell. And this water that causeth the curse shall go into thy bowels, to make thy belly to swell, and thy thigh to rot: And the woman shall say, Amen, amen. ...
 And when he hath made her to drink the water, then it shall come to pass, that, if she be defiled, and have done trespass against her husband, that the water that causeth the curse shall enter into her, and become bitter, and her belly shall swell, and her thigh shall rot: and the woman shall be a curse among her people. And if the woman be not defiled, but be clean; then she shall be free, and shall conceive seed. 

God's law sometimes requires the execution (by burning to death) of pregnant women.

Genesis 38:24
Tamar thy daughter in law hath played the harlot; and also, behold, she is with child by whoredom. And Judah said, Bring her forth, and let her be burnt.

25. We are not commanded to have empathy, defined as treating others the way they wish to be treated.

Luke 6:31
And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise.

If God wanted us to treat others with empathy, He would have commanded us to treat them not as we want to be treated but as we could reasonably expect they would want to be treated.

26. Women are saved through childbirth, not belief in Jesus.

1 Timothy 2:11-15
Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection.  
But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. 
For Adam was first formed, then Eve. 
And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. 
Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.

27. A perfect God can change his mind (repent).

Genesis 6:6
And it repented the Lord that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart.

Exodus 32:14
And the LORD repented of the evil which he thought to do unto his people.

Jonah 3:10
And God saw their works, that they turned from their evil way; and God repented of the evil, that he had said that he would do unto them; and he did it not.

For more information, there is a lengthy discussion of whether or not God repents here, along with a sizeable list of the times God repents in the Bible.

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God is perfect. (See http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/God,-Perfection-Of for 41 Bible verses stating and relating to God’s perfection.)

Because God is perfect, God is unchanging for all eternity.

Because God is perfect, His Word is Truth.

God’s Word, which is Truth, is perfect and unchanging for all eternity just as God Himself is.

“And the words of the Lord are flawless, like silver refined in a furnace of clay, purified seven times.” (Psalm 12:6) “The law of the Lord is perfect.” (Psalm 19:7) “Every word of God is pure.” (Proverbs 30:5) “All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness.” (2 Timothy 3:16)

Since God is perfect, He does not change his mind because, knowing every outcome to every action, He knows which decision to make every time. Therefore, God does not repent. Except when He does.

Discussion
For as lengthy as this discussion is, it is not exhaustive. You are responsible for believing not only all of these passages and any supporting passages I omitted but also any contradictory passages you find in your own biblical searches. Even if you find something in the Bible that conflicts with the verses quoted here--something you like better--it does NOT negate the fact that you MUST believe every verse quoted here. The Bible contradicts itself (Old Testament conflicts with Old Testament, New Testament conflicts with New Testament, New Testament conflicts with Old Testament); the Bible conflicts with reality; and the Bible conflicts with humanity's empathy- and compassion-driven morality. Christians who claim to be literalists typically debate the latter two and ignore the first. They are wrong.

God is perfect; His Word is perfect; and all of His laws are perfect.

See http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/God,-Perfection-Of for 41 Bible verses stating and relating to God’s perfection.

Because God is perfect, God is unchanging for all eternity.

Because God is perfect, His Word is Truth.

God’s Word, which is Truth, is perfect and unchanging for all eternity just as God Himself is.
For example: “And the words of the Lord are flawless, like silver refined in a furnace of clay, purified seven times.” (Psalm 12:6) “The law of the Lord is perfect.” (Psalm 19:7) “Every word of God is pure.” (Proverbs 30:5) “All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness.” (2 Timothy 3:16)

God's perfect Word contains God's many laws, which must be perfect and thus unchanging throughout eternity because He is perfect and thus unchanging throughout eternity. The New Testament is very clear about the perfection of the Old Testament's laws:

Matthew 5:18-19
Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law. Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.

Luke 16:17
It is easier for heaven and earth to pass, than one tittle of the law to fail.

Luke 19:16-17
One came and said unto him, Good Master, what good thing shall I do, that I may have eternal life? And he said unto him ... if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments.

Romans 2:13
The doers of the law shall be justified.

Romans 3:31
Do we then make void the law through faith? God forbid: yea, we establish the law.

You must not attempt to interpret the Bible; you must accept every word as the literal truth because the Bible says so.

The perfection of the Bible as God's Word demands that we do not interpret it--interpreting adds, subtracts, or changes the meaning of the words on the page, which necessarily diminishes its perfection.

Jesus, Paul, Matthew, and Luke tell us that we must keep ALL of the Biblical laws--including those of the Old Testament.

Revelation 22:18
If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book.

Revelation 22:19
If any man shall take away from the words of the book ..., God shall take away his part out of the book of life.

2 Corinthians 10:5
Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.

Colossians 2:8
Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ.

Therefore, God not only hates gays--He also hates shrimp. And tattoos. And haircuts. And shaving. And God especially hates remarriage, since Jesus Himself says so (Matthew 19:6, Mark 10:11, Luke 16:18) and since the New Testament firmly upholds the Old Testament law of stoning second spouses as adulterers (Leviticus 20:10), despite Jesus forgiving one adulteress in John 8:3-8. And so on.

Sounds like a cult, doesn't it?

It is incumbent on believers to reject science, as Paul says.

1 Timothy 6:20
Avoiding ... oppositions of science falsely so called.

Whatever you do, DON'T think for yourself--reject reason, too:

Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

Remember, reason is evil: Eve sought knowledge, logic, and reason when she ate the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden.

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As stated so beautifully at http://www.gotquestions.org/Biblical-inerrancy.html, “The Bible stands or falls as a whole … We believe that the God who created the universe is capable of writing a book. And the God who is perfect is capable of writing a perfect book. The issue is not simply ‘Does the Bible have a mistake?’ but ‘Can God make a mistake?’ If the Bible contains factual errors, then God is not omniscient and is capable of making errors Himself. If the Bible contains misinformation, then God is not truthful but is instead a liar. If the Bible contains contradictions, then God is the author of confusion. In other words, if biblical inerrancy is not true, then God is not God.”

Either that, or God didn't write the Bible--ancient humans, with all their ignorance and foibles, did.

When you consider the conditions for salvation--believe, and it matters not what you do--it makes sense that Christians condone monstrous behavior in themselves. When you consider their belief that the God of the Bible is perfect, it makes sense that Christians condone monstrous behavior in Him. God makes jealousy perfect by definition, hate and bigotry perfect by definition, misogyny perfect by definition, slavery perfect by definition, violence and genocide perfect by definition. If you choose to go through life calling the monstrous moral, don't go claiming the moral high ground unless you enjoy being dismissed as a hypocrite and ridiculed as a fool.

Read the Bible for yourself. Find for yourself all the places where the Old and New Testaments contradict themselves and each other, not to mention when they contradict morality and reality. Read it critically. Read the chapters and the stories side by side and see the inconsistencies and contradictions for yourself. Read the so-called prophecies along side what is put up as fulfillment of those prophecies and ask yourself honestly whether they're any more specific or accurate than newspaper horoscopes. Read Bible "science" and compare it with what humans have observed in reality for the past two thousand years. Read about the "loving" God's many rages, jealousies, murder sprees, torture fests, commanded enslavements and rapes, lusts for the blood of human sacrifices, and gleefully disproportionate punishment orgies of innocent and guilty for such minor crimes as teasing someone for being bald or just plain being the humans that the Bible claims He created us to be. Then ask yourself honestly whether you can believe that the Bible is literally true as a science book, a history book, a book of prophecy, and a book of objective, eternal morality.

Looking for bite-sized chunks? Here are just a few:

Skeptic's Annotated Bible: contradictions
Skeptic's Annotated Bible: science and history
Skeptic's Annotated Bible: misogyny
Skeptic's Annotated Bible: absurdities
Skeptic's Annotated Bible: cruelty and violence
Skeptic's Annotated Bible: family values

For more, click here for The Skeptic's Annotated Bible index.

Just to be clear, I am not trying to disparage the Bible
--honestly, I am not. I simply do not believe that it was written by an all-knowing being or that it deserves to be believed literally. Even The Skeptic's Annotated Bible has a list of good stuff in the Bible. All I am asking is for Christians, like my Tea Party friend, to be honest with themselves. Think about it. What do you believe, and is there any good in it? Why do you believe what you believe, and how good are your reasons?

Nosce te ipsum (know yourself).

That's not so much to ask, is it?

How well do you know the Bible?
For more Bible quizzes, click here and here.