Pro-life Mania Sweeps the Nation

July 29, 2002. Across the nation, a new pro-life fervor is sweeping through every city, town, and neighborhood.

The good feeling begun by the recent passage of the mandatory organ donation law seems to have galvanized devout pro-lifers all over the country into action.

Fresh new sentiments can be heard over the crowds as they gather. “Harassing people at abortion clinics may be anti-abortion, but it isn’t pro-life,” a 40-ish man was heard to proclaim.

 “Yeah—it’s not as easy as that.

There’s a lot more to it,” a slim teenage woman added, “If we’re really serious about calling ourselves ‘pro-life,’ then we need to help people improve their quality of life.

We should have been teaching men and women all along how to prevent unwanted pregnancies instead of just bashing women after they were already pregnant and it was too late.

That would have improved the quality of life for everybody.”

Other voices added, “Yeah!

Then, instead of being stuck on welfare only able to afford junk food, those women could have finished their educations and gotten jobs.

The the children they ultimately chose to have would have had much better lives, maybe even with real dads.”

And the new sentiment doesn’t stop there.

This new generation of pro-lifers is taking on anything and everything that they perceive as eroding the quality of life.

“I had a woman stop by my house the other day, saying that she was a new generation pro-lifer and that she wanted to teach me about the new pro-life tenets,” said Mrs. Flora Hapless of Bayonne, NJ.

“Well, since she wasn’t panhandling for money, I thought it might be nice to hear what she had to say.

But then she pushed past me and barged into my house.

I couldn’t believe it when she took every last carton of ciggies out of the cabinet and threw them into her over-sized trash bag.

But I figured, hey, I know smoking isn’t good for me—this lady is just trying to help.

But then she took all the Oreos and Fig Newtons and Doritos and potato chips—all my kids’ snacks—even their Sugar Corn Pops and Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs for breakfast and threw them away, too.

Well, I was stunned, but she wasn’t even done yet.

She cleaned out every last scrap of meat from my freezer into her big ominous bag.

She did the same exact thing to the fridge—no more milk, no eggs, our leftover meatloaf is gone … ”

She chuckled, “Well, if she hadn’t dumped that, I probably would have.

Anyway, she cleaned out our whole kitchen—she left me with nothing to cook for dinner but a head of iceberg lettuce, three carrots, and a grape.

And I thought, ‘OK, I’m sure I can make do with that.’

But then she threw out all our bottles of salad dressing.

Then she pulled out the stove and cut its power cord, saying that we should really eat our fruits and veggies raw anyway.

But she still wasn’t done—she marches straight into the family room and pulls out our new big screen TV and cuts its power cord … right in the middle of Pokemon, which is the only time of day that my three kids give me a moment’s peace.

Then, she left, taking her big—now stuffed—trash bag with her.

And she said, ‘Mark my words—you and your family will have a much improved quality of life now.’

I’m sure she was right, but now I have three hungry, cranky, fussy kids on my hands and no food in the fridge and a hungry husband on his way home from the mill expecting dinner.

I guess it’s off to McDonald’s tonight.

God, I need a smoke.”
                                                            --The Scallion