Dot Calm's Shadow's Abridged Tea Party Dictionary

Greetings, Dot Calm Readers!

Let Dot's faithful shadow (that's me) translate a few key code words for you between Tea Party and English to help you understand your politicians and friends.

Ready?

Let's begin!

Slut (n): a woman who has sex, has had sex, or wants sex. Like non-sluts, has no right to work outside the home; would keep busy homemaking instead if it knew what was good for it. Expendable (except as serves a man's purposes). Should not be allowed to vote.

Thug (n): a Black person. Incapable of working a job; capable only of receiving government hand-outs. Expendable. Should bring a bounty. Should not be allowed to vote.

Terrorist (n): a Muslim. They dress funny. Expendable. Should bring a bounty. Should not be allowed to vote.

Illegal (n): any immigrant, legal or otherwise, of Latino origin. Capable only of menial work. Expendable. Should not be allowed to vote.

Fetus (n): God's most sacred creation, the only life-form worth preserving. NOT expendable under any circumstances. Should be allowed to vote.

Baby (n): an inherently evil little mooch deserving only imminent destruction--i.e., expendable--if not rich and white, preferably male. If poor, future cannon fodder in wars of aggression, especially for oil, religion, or (eventually) water. If male, should be allowed one vote per million dollars in assets.

Baby killer (n): an America-hating liberal who mistakenly thinks that all humans have the right to eat nutritious food, drink unpoisoned water, breathe clean air, live in safe shelter, receive quality education and health care, work living-wage jobs, and make their own decisions regarding their own bodies. Evil satanists who believe that the universe consists of universally-observable, self-consistent natural laws that can be discovered and described by lies known as science. Atheists to a man. How dare they assert that life should be safe? Life should be risky, and you deserve to be punished for your own and others' decisions. VERY expendable. Should bring a bounty. Should not be allowed to vote.

Atheist (n): see Baby killer.

Communist (n): see Baby killer.

Democratic Socialist (n): Communist. It doesn't matter that the two things are in fact very different (as anyone with an Internet connection can tell you) because we believe that they are exactly the same. What we say or believe is more important than what is true.

Christian (n): a Tea Party evangelical (no other denominations need apply); a True Patriot. If male, should be allowed one vote per million dollars in assets.

Corporation (n): a Christian person with closely held religious beliefs. Can be trusted like Jesus to do the right thing for America in every situation. Should be allowed one vote per million dollars in assets.

Gun (n): a Christian person with full Constitutional rights, including the right to consume and eject unlimited ammo. Has the greatest right to life of all life-forms except for corporations and fetuses. Should be allowed one vote per round of ammo possessed.

Soldier (n): a True Patriot. Should be allowed to vote if Christian.

Veteran (n): useless mooch looking for free government hand-outs. Expendable. Should not be allowed to vote.

Senior citizen (n): old mooch looking for free government hand-outs. Expendable. Should not be allowed to vote.

American History (n): whatever I as a Tea Party evangelical says it is.

The Constitution (n): see American History.

The Bible (n): the Constitution; see American History.

Liberal rag (n): any media source that disagrees with me as a Tea Party evangelical, often including FOX News, even though it is the most accurate media outlet that God ever created in the universe. That's how corrupt and liberal our media are!

Revisionism (n): the evil liberal practice of pointing out the truth, especially when it conflicts with American History (as defined above), the Constitution (as defined above), or the Bible (as defined above).

Up (adj.): down.

Black (adj.): white.

Science (n): lies. The Bible is the only source of knowledge. Everyone knows that scientists make shit up, like global warming, vaccinations, germs, electricity, gravity, moon landings, and everything else "sciency" not mentioned in the Bible. Everyone knows that disease is caused by sin and demons. Everyone knows that God gives us technology, not science. VERY expendable. People who do it for a living or who rely on it in any way are stupidpants; they need to turn back to God and should not be allowed to vote.

Ignorance (n): truth.

Education (n): see Science.

Truth (n): whatever we say it is at the moment, subject to change as convenient.

...I apologize for this failed attempt at satire: methinks it be too true to be funny.  :\

Uh oh! Are you a Tea Partier?

Then try this challenge: if you don't like these definitions, don't be offended. See this piece as a data point of how you come across to people like me. If this portrayal really seems so unfair to you, then maybe you can try to help people like me understand you better.

Is that too much to ask?