Dot Calm's Shadow Presents: Science for Creationists!

Hey, boys and girls!

Are you a creationist?
Do you love Jesus and hate science?
Do you love Jesus enough to hate science enough?

Then let's redefine science so that it doesn't conflict with the Bible!

Are you ready?
Let's begin!

As every Christian knows,
"Scientists make shit up."(TM)

Did your public school teach you that we live on a planet that is spherical, like a globe?

Well, scientists made that shit up!

The Bible says that the Earth is not spherical like a globe--it is flat, like a pancake (let's pretend that the mountains are chocolate chips in the pancake...mmmm, chocolate chip pancakes!)..."And after these things I saw four angels standing on the four corners of the earth, holding the four winds of the earth, that the wind should not blow on the earth, nor on the sea, nor on any tree." (Revelation 7:1) Every Sunday School child knows that spheres don't have corners! Therefore, as this and many other Bible verses clearly state, the earth is flat.

Did your public school teach you that outer space is vacuum and that space ships can fly through the sky to the moon and beyond?

Well, scientists made that shit up, too!

The Bible says that "outer space" isn't vacuum--it's water! "And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters. And God made the firmament and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so." (Genesis 1:6-7)

The Bible also says that the sky, or firmament, is hard. Heavens, it would have to be hard to separate the waters above from the waters below! God opens the windows of the firmament when it rains and closes them to make the rain stop (Genesis 7:11, 8:2). "Hast thou with him spread out the sky, which is strong, and as a molten looking glass?" (Job 37:18) "The firmament ... the terrible crystal, stretched forth over their heads above." (Ezekiel 1:22)

So, now we've proven that scientists can't be trusted.
Only the Bible can be trusted to tell us about science!

This means that we don't have to learn about the rest of the shit scientists made up, like electrons and atoms and germs and electricity and magnetism and force and gravity and, of course, DNA because DNA's properties pretty much prove evolution, just like the fossil record, ring species, kangaroos, comparative anatomy, and the rest of modern biology.

Yup--now you don't have to cherry-pick your science or your Bible. All you have to do is just totally rewrite one to suit the other.

Yay!

So, serious creationists that we are, we are now ready to rewrite all of science so that it doesn't forget about God any more. God needs us to defend and protect Him, you know!

Where should we start making science conform to God's word?

I've got an idea!

Did you learn about Ohm's Law in high school physics?

If so, then you may remember this:

Let's add a term so that we neither forget nor forsake God. Let's call it the God term:

Then, Ohm's law for creationists might look like this:

 

What are the implications of the God term?

Well, it means that Ohm's law works except when it doesn't.

The voltage V is the product of the current i and the resistance R except when God makes it something else--we have no idea what because God works in mysterious ways.

So, next time you turn on the light switch and your lamp comes on, thank God because the electrons and the filament in the lamp and the wires and the electric company and someone paying your utility bills had absolutely nothing to do with it!

Isn't this fun?

Of course, if you ever need to go back to doing real science, which describes the actual universe as an orderly place governed by consistent, observable natural laws, then just let God vanish:

Rewriting the rest of science for creationists is left as an exercise for creationists.