You can thank me now: I own you. Now go start saving those nice strangers!

Good news: I have appointed myself owner of your body.

I have never met you, and I will probably never meet you, but, for the rest of your life, I decide what you do with your body and when.

First of all, you need to stop eating sugar, added salt, caffeine, alcohol, carbohydrates, and processed foods.

You need to cut back on your meat intake, too.

Then start eating the recommended amounts of vegetables and fruits.

I forbid you to harm yourself by becoming diabetic.

Or fat.

Or by smoking.

Or drinking.

Or driving without your seatbelt on.

Or anything else self-inflicted.

I will not pay for medicine or treatments for anything you inflict on yourself.

In fact, I won't pay for medicine or treatments for you at all.

You're on your own--you got yourself into this mess, so it's up to you to get yourself out.

You start the exercise program I designed for you tomorrow morning, so make sure you start getting eight hours of sleep every night in a fully darkened, quiet room.

And no sex.

Sex is icky.

Sex is evil.

I forbid it.

If you ever have sex, even once, I will shame you.

I will punish you mercilessly.

I will be watching your every move, and I will know your every thought, so don't even think about disobeying me.

I own you, and I need you to be healthy.

I know what you need better than you do.

I only have your best interests at heart.

I don't want you to have any regrets later on about the choices you make today, so I will be enforcing every single one of my rules for you 24/7/365 for the rest of your life.

The next time someone aims a loaded gun at your head and screams what you can and cannot eat and what you can and cannot do with your body, that will be me by proxy.

See how much I care about you?

I am only protecting you.

I am protecting you from yourself.

Now, let's get down to business.

There are other lives you need to save.

I've scheduled you for surgery to have a kidney removed next month so that it can be transplanted into a stranger you may or may not ever meet.

While the doctors have you open, they will take a lung and part of your liver for transplantation, too.

Don't forget to go donate bone marrow, blood, and platelets on your way out of these simple, routine surgeries.

I hope you have cash set aside for these procedures because you're paying for them yourself.

I have also arranged to garnish your wages for the next twenty five years or so to support the nice stranger or three you'll be saving thanks to the organ donation I have mandated for you.

Not counting the time you will serve outside work, unpaid, so that you can care for them (if all of you survive).

They will need round-the-clock care while recovering from the transplants, so plan that into your job schedule.

Remember, these nice strangers deserve all this from you.

They deserver your time, money, and organs more than you do because they are innocent...

and you are

So.

Very.
 
Guilty.

What?

You're afraid that all that surgery will hurt?

Crybaby!

How dare you complain about ten minutes of pain when you'll be saving a life (or three)?

What?

You're afraid that sacrificing all those organs could harm your own health, either now or later in life?

You're afraid you could die on the table?

Suck it up, wuss--it's your RESPONSIBILITY to save those lives!

You can save them; therefore, you are responsible for saving them.

You MUST save them.

Your paltry little life matters less than theirs.

They, whoever they are, are human.

Even the ones who are missing most of their brains are more human than you...even though they would die if they were ever taken off life support.

You are livestock.

Even if the nice strangers die before the doctors harvest your organs...even if we know they won't survive the surgery (or, if they do survive, it won't be for longer than an hour, a day, a few days)...we will transplant your organs into them just the same.

Even if all of you die on the table, it is infinitely better than letting you live your own life without me dictating your most intimate decisions and harvesting whatever parts of you I choose for saving the life or lives of whomever else I choose.

I forbid you any choice.

And before you even ask, it's your RESPONSIBILITY to give the nice strangers (the ones you are responsible for saving) your money and time.

Stop whining and act responsible already!

Sheesh.

(Next time someone gives you crap about abortion, show them this essay. YOUR BODY IS YOUR OWN. MY BODY IS MY OWN. No one but you has the right to make decisions about your body. No one but me has the right to make decisions about my body. You have no right to dictate what I do with my body; I have no right to dictate what you do with your body. Do I really have to draw a picture and connect the dots?
Oh, yeah...apparently, I just did.)