The question regarding whether it was a legitimate rape would become obsolete if it was mandatory that a vasectomy be performed on all male babies before leaving the hospital.

The procedure would be reversed only after he reports to a five-member committee and convinces at least three members that he plans to use his sperm for good, thus rendering abortion irrelevant.

House Republicans on Thursday passed an alternative anti-abortion bill after pulling their originally planned legislation from the floor in a last-minute scramble.

Scramble? Are we talking eggs?

The new bill, unveiled less than 24 hours earlier, would prohibit taxpayer funding for abortion.

See? That bill would become irrelevant.

Passage fell largely along party lines by a vote of 242-179.

Looks like we women are screwed...and not in a good way.

Rep. Richard Hanna (NY) was the only Republican to oppose the measure, while three Democrats—Reps. Henry Cuellar (TX), Dan Lipinski (IL) and Collin Peterson (MN)—voted in favor of it.

Wow! Looks like we're screwed again...and definitely not in a good way.

GOP leaders scheduled the vote for the same day as the annual March for Life, when thousands of anti-abortion rights demonstrators descend on the National Mall on the anniversary of the Roe v. Wade Supreme Court decision.

You are such hypocrites! Every last one of you knows where to go if your honey gets knocked up.

But leadership yanked the original measure slated for a vote after complaints from House GOP women and centrists who objected to language granting the victims of rape an exception from the ban on abortions after 20 weeks of pregnancy only if the rape was reported to police.

WTF??

GOP women led by Reps. Renee Ellmers (NC) and Jackie Walorski (IN) lobbied leadership to change the rape language.

To English?

The Justice Department estimates that nearly 70 percent of rapes go unreported, often due to victims' fear of retribution.

Like her skirt was too short or her jeans were too tight or her bathing suit was too brief? Ergo...she was asking for it?

It’s not clear whether the bill could have passed the House without being changed.

With Republican men in the majority? Sure!

One conservative GOP lawmaker told The Hill that a threatened procedural vote from Democrats might have been approved.

Yeah! Those Democrats muck everything up

The Democratic motion to recommit would have stripped the rape reporting language from the bill, and many GOP women and centrists were prepared to join Democrats in backing it, the lawmaker said.

OMG! Not the recommit strategy!

“The only thing that I can guess is the leadership would be embarrassed if a motion to recommit actually passed,” the lawmaker said.

Leadership denied the threat played into their decision, but Rep. Trent Franks (R-AZ), one of the initial bill's sponsors, acknowledged the procedural vote could have resulted in surprises.

“It's hard for me—obviously, for anyone—to predict what the motion to recommit would have been or what would have been the action in that regard,” Franks said.

Franks said the legislation he originally introduced only allowed an exception for the life of the mother.

Language regarding rape and incest was added later during preparations to bring it to the floor, he said.

“I think there are a lot of people who have the conviction that sexual assault should be reported so that we can prosecute them and put them in jail, and reduce that unspeakable tragedy,” Franks said.

That sounds positively reasonable. Let me write that down, you morons.

Franks said that GOP leaders gave him a “word of honor” that his bill will eventually get a floor vote.

Cross your fingers, ladies.

GOP women led the charge against the original Franks bill, but centrist GOP Rep. Charlie Dent (PA) also had urged his colleagues to abandon the legislation during Wednesday’s closed-door caucus meeting.

“The less we engage on this issue [of rape] the better off we are as a party,” Dent told reporters Thursday, “because a lot of Republicans all around the country have different views on this issue.”

Really?

The alternative legislation sponsored by Rep. Chris Smith (R-NJ) that restricts federal funds for abortion also passed a year ago by a vote of 227-188.

The issue gained ground last fall after a federal audit found that more than 1,000 healthcare plans with federal subsidies allowed women to pay for abortions.

OMG!

While the report did not say how many abortions had actually been funded by the plans, the issue became an instant rallying cry for conservatives.

Conservatives! You're such a bunch of hypocrites!

Federal officials said then that some of the compliance issues result from a misunderstanding between states and insurance providers.

Whatever it is, women are responsible!

The Department of Health and Human Services also tried to ease concerns with new regulations about how funds for abortions should be separated.

Nearly 6 in 10 women are already barred from obtaining abortion insurance on ObamaCare exchanges because they live in states that have banned that coverage within their system or do not have an insurer that offers it, according to a report released Wednesday by the Kaiser Family Foundation.

A total of 32 states have enacted the bans.

It's back to the hanger, ladies.

“H.R. 7 will save lives," Smith said during the floor debate,

"These are gruesome procedures.”

So is an amputation, or a D&C, or natural childbirth...that's really a Hitchcock moment...probably why more of us aren't doctors.

"That's what abortion is all about.”

Now everything is perfect.

Democrats argued that the legislation would go further than current law by preventing women receiving federal tax credits toward their insurance, as well as plans through the healthcare law's exchanges, from getting coverage for abortion services.

Now everything IS REALLY perfect, right ladies?

The bill would also prevent the District of Columbia from using local funds to pay for abortions.

Excellent! Let those bitches figure it out!

“These choices are personal."

You fux don't know the meaning of “personal”! Women have about as much privacy as our African-American brothers.

They are not public.

R-i-i-i-g-g-h-h-t-t-!

"A woman’s actions regarding her own reproductive health should include anyone she deems appropriate, not the politicians in Washington or state capitals that are scoring political points off her healthcare,” said Rep. Louise Slaughter (NY), the top Democrat on the House Rules Committee.

Congresswoman Slaughter, don't inject sensibility now! We've got them right where we want them!

Abortion rights groups are already seizing on the split in the Republican Party.

Calm down, they'll figure it out.

The head of Planned Parenthood Action Fund said the GOP's reversal on the abortion bill is proof that the issue—crucial to conservatives—is losing ground. “These attacks are so dangerous, extreme, and unpopular that House Republicans can't even get their membership lined up behind them,” Cecile Richards, the president of Planned Parenthood Action Fund, wrote in a statement.

Cecile...How about this: Let's quit starting freaken wars and using our kids for cannon fodder! Support education and tolerance in ALL religions. Embrace and respect others. America's motto should be: Mind your own business!

Meanwhile, advocacy groups opposed to abortion expressed disappointment with the last-minute vote switch.

Get over it!

“While I am disappointed that Rep. Renee Ellmers and a handful of Republicans caused a delay in the Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act, I commend the House leadership for their efforts to get taxpayers out of the abortion business,” Family Research Council President Tony Perkins said in a statement.

OMG! Tony? He'll know what we should do. Did you say Pain-Capable Unborn Child?

WTF??

“We look forward to the House returning to the Pain-Capable Unborn Child bill later this year.”

Yes. Us, too. Catchy phrase.