Modern Day Air Travel

Have you flown lately? If not, let me describe how the American traveler must look to the “terrorists.”

At the airport: people of all ages and sizes milling about bare foot, in stocking feet, or sox (hint: be sure there are no holes in your sox), waiting for their trays of personal items. The trays (keys, loose change, wrist watches, pen/pencil sets) are lined up on the conveyor belt slowly making their way through the xray machine and out the other end.

Meanwhile, we’re being patted down, just like on Cops. I get done fast; sometimes it’s good to be small and skinny. But, where is my travel buddy? Held up at the frisk station! The buzzer keeps going off. I heard it but thought it was some joker who didn’t know the rules only to learn it was my joker. What is he trying to “smuggle” on to the plane? A cell phone? Aw, crap!

Some of us go thru the metal detector; some get the magic wand. Now we’re all hopping around struggling to get our shoes on so we can hunt down the tray containing our stuff. We’re all discombobilated  but feel a strange familiarity with one another.

On the plane: After stumbling to our seats instructions begin to fly left and right over the p.a. system. Keep your seat belt done at all times. Stow personal items in the overhead or under the seat in front of you. Your tray should be in the upright and locked position. Your seat cushion is a life preserver. Put your shade down so the plane remains cool. (We receive the remainder of instructions in the dark.) But wait! We’re told we can turn on our personal lamps. Oh joy! My very own personal lamp! Turn off all electronics: cell phones, pagers, electronic books (which I had but didn’t plan reading on the plane). Now we have nothing to do but sit in the dark. No movie...not even freaken music. Just silence. No food. No snacks will be served. Okay, I wasn’t hungry anyway. Drinks will be sold once we are airborne. I already knew I wasn’t going to be thirsty. Don’t even think of sneaking a smoke in the lavatory...the air guards will be on you like a bee on honey.

Welcome aboard flight bla, bla, bla.

Finally, the plane begins to move. It taxis to the “waiting to take off” line. Just like being in traffic on the Belt Parkway. Stop. Go. Stop. Go. Stop. You get the idea.

Soon after takeoff I hear the exchange of money and drinks being served.

Bet the terrorists are laughing their asses off at us stupid Americans!